Building Intimacy in Relationships: Gabor Maté's Wisdom on Secure Attachment

One of the most powerful insights from trauma expert Gabor Maté is how we can build secure attachment in our important relationships by regulating our own emotions first.

The Foundation of Emotional Development

In the late 90's Gabor Maté shared wisdom about how to build intimacy in our closest relationships.

Intimacy is important, he said, because the quality of our relationships has a big impact on how our brains develop and how we experience life.

Understanding ADHD Through Attachment

Maté argued that ADHD is caused by early stress that prevents people from developing the emotional-cognitive capacities they need to thrive in our world. Those capacities don't develop because stress prevents secure bonds. And without those bonds, brains don't get the neurochemicals they need to develop optimally.

So, developing secure bonds may be one of the most important contributions we can make to wellbeing and development.

Common Relationship Challenges

Unfortunately, many people don't build secure relationships because they let their emotions rule how they show up.

Also, Maté points out common patterns:

• Prioritizing achievement over connection
• Using external motivators rather than fostering internal ones

So many people aren't even aware they are doing these things.

The Path to Secure Attachment

The good news is, Maté says you can create a secure relationship by cultivating perfect acceptance of the other person.

Here's how:

1. Learn to Regulate Your Emotions

You've got to show up in a regulated manner if you want to build a secure relationship.

This can be hard. Emotions are strong. Seek help and do the work so you can prioritize the needs of the relationship over your emotional impulses.

2. Communicate Perfect Acceptance

They have to know you accept them.

Tell them you love, respect, and appreciate them no matter what.

3. Take a Loving Interest in Their Inner World

Ask questions to understand what it is like to be them without taking steps to 'fix' whatever they bring up. It's easy to slip into 'fix it' mode, but that's not what this is about.

Instead, ask questions from a place of wanting to understand what their experience of life is like.

"Tell me what happened today," "tell me more about that," and "how did you feel when that happened?" are a great place to start.

4. Initiate Quality Time Together

Show them you value them in your life by initiating quality time together.

The Power of Consistent Practice

If you can regulate your emotions, spend quality time together, take a loving interest in their life, and communicate perfect acceptance, you will create the perfect environment for intimacy to grow.

Do this consistently and Gabor Maté says you'll develop beautiful relationships that support brain development and the capacity to be successful and content. My intuition tells me he's right.