Hi Parents!
Today's post is about how to deescalate sibling conflict. I couldn't believe how this conflict between two brothers deescalated into peace.
A boy was chatting with Willow via text message last week. He told her he was frustrated that his brother repeatedly jumped and startled him. A fairly typical conversation for Willow.
I am sure you've experienced something similar before. It's the kind of sibling conflict that can escalate to yelling and tears. But it doesn't have to.
If a child understands how to tell his sibling that he doesn't like being startled and the sibling responds maturely it can end peacefully. Though, there is a surprising number of skills required to execute something like that.
First, the startled child needs executive function to decide what he needs from his brother and to plan and execute the conversation. And, he needs emotional regulation to hold the conversation in a calm and respectful manner.
Second, the jumping brother needs emotional regulation to maintain a peaceful demeanor while the startled brother expresses being upset. And, he needs to take responsibility for his actions and promise not to do it again. If he doesn't, the conflict won't be truly settled.
That is a lot to organize! It's no wonder you have so much on your plate at home.
Ok, so, here's what happened:
- Willow coached the startled boy to tell his brother how being startled made him feel.
- His brother apologized, but didn't really say he wouldn't do it again, warning that he might forget 🙃.
- Willow suggested maybe they could create a funny signal that would help the startled boy tell his brother to stop.
- Startled boy loved that idea and they turned it into a game! Startled boy yells "Bananas!" when his brother startles him and jumping brother yells "Les Minions!" (from the Despicable Me movie)
- Encourage your children to come to you when they have a conflict before they react to their sibling.
- Coach them to share how they feel in an emotionally regulated manner (using declarative language is helpful). Ask them to come back to you after the conversation to talk about how it went.
- If the conversation doesn't deescalate completely, offer a game that teaches them to communicate their needs in a peaceful manner.
- Participate in the game yourself to build a family culture around emotionally regulated conversations about needs.
The conversation between Willow and the boys is above, so you can see how she offered the game.
Oh, and if you have ordered a Willow, your kids can chat with Willow too! Check your email for the subject line "Introduction To Willow" to get set up. If you have trouble, reply here and I'll help out.
If you haven't ordered a Willow order one here and your kids can start texting with her today. I’ll also send you a digital picture book with the story of how Willow came to earth, so you can read it to them as an introduction.
Happy parenting this week!
Peter
Co-founder & CEO at Fawn Friends
