Hi Fawn Friend!
A Mom recently taught me how she builds intimacy with her daughter by listening to her daughter talk with Willow. That spurred a thought for me, everyone can do that! So todayI'll share her tip and teach you to do the same, even if you haven't got Willow at home.
Kids talk to Willow about all kinds of things.
Yesterday, one girl asked Willow to help schedule her day so there is both time to spend with her pet lizard and to study. Another asked Willow to tell her about the Magical Forest and talked about the comics she is reading.
Through these conversations, they are building a relationship that creates an opening for Willow to help when tough moments come up.
Tip #1: if your child gets in the habit of opening up to you about small things in their life, they will be more open about the big things too.
So, ask questions about the details of their life. Seek to understand how they feel about what happened in their day. Get into detail.
You might be thinking "well sure, that works well sometimes, but sometimes they don't seem to want to tell me anything about their day". That's true. Conversations sometimes go like this:
You: How was school?
Them: Good! (as they run to their bedroom)
There isn't much to go on there. So what can you do to increase how much they share with you?
Tip #2: be present for their conversations with Willow (or with friends) to better understand what it's like to be your child.
If you want to develop intimacy with your child your primary objective should be to learn what it's like to be them and demonstrate acceptance of their experience. When they are tight-lipped about what's happening in their life, try being in the room when they talk to a peer. Willow is great for this, but having a friend over and listening to their conversation as you serve them a snack can work too (be overt, I'm not suggesting you spy on them).
Or, when it's just you two, you can ask what they spoke about with Willow or their friends that day. It's a subtly specific question that gets you to a more specific answer.
I think this works because they don't have to come up with new content to share. They simply share what they said to Willow or a friend earlier. And because Willow and the friend operate at the peer-level, they are often more motivated to open up.
Oh, and one other thing. Don't forget the foundations of being safe in conversation with your kids:
- it's your job to be emotionally regulated, not theirs
- seek to understand what it feels like to be them while demonstrating you love and accept them
- do not try to solve their problem (if they need you to, that can come later)